Civilization

I woke up this morning to a faceful of baby. I’m in Singapore for Christmas and staying at my gramma’s house. So is my uncle. And his wife and 3 babies. In a day, I went from being in one of the poorest countries in the world to one of the riches. I arrived to 3 toddlers in nothing more than their undies running around my gramma’s house – a stark change from Cambodia. The kids there wear shirts but not undies. Well, not just that. There’s more…

As I took a walk around the block of my gramma’s house, to get some air and clear my head, every other car that greeted me was a Mercedes or a Jaguar. It seemed like my gramma and her neighbour were the only 2 houses that had not succumbed to extensive improvements and renovations. The air was clear and fresh, smell of tropical flowers and greenery moving slowly along with the breeze. Freshly manicured gardens, sidewalks lined with trimmed lawn and clean streets. Gorgeous, sturdy houses in brick, wood and glass lined the streets. Inside, you can see Christmas trees, lights and sometimes hear someone playing the piano or a radio tuned to jazz or classical music. I walked to the gas station and noticed the big, shiny cars lined along the gas pumps. A far cry from the shanty houses and dusty streets of Cambodia.

All at once, I felt attracted yet repulsed by the perfection and wealth of Singapore. Attracted by the beauty, the cleanliness, the comfort. Repulsed by the abundance, the hording … the ignorance. Repulsed that just a few hours by plane were one of the poorest countries in the world but here we live in ignorant bliss. Torn. To be attracted into this culture, this shiny new world, would be to turn my back and forget all I had seen and heard the past 3 months in Cambodia. And yet to be repulsed by it would mean turning my back on the very culture that I grew up in. And that would render me an arrogant hypocrite.

And unbeknownst to anyone, this battle raged deep within my soul. You see, on the outside, not much has changed. Christmas presents, calls to make, people to meet, appointments to keep… But on the inside, there’s something that’s different. I don’t know what. But walking down the streets, talking to people, I feel like an alien in a foreign world. But no one knows, no one sees. I guess I could use the analogy of a soldier coming back from war. He looks fine from the outside but he’s seen things, heard things and felt things unimaginable. But coming home isn’t as blissful as it should be. Because life continues on the outside – in “civilization”.

Now, I have by no means experienced war or something equally terrifying. But my eyes have seen, my ears have heard and my heart has been broken by just a small glimpse of the devastation of humanity against the absolute purity of God’s love. Now, the world hasn’t changed. God hasn’t changed. He’s always been there. Always been powerful.

But I guess I have.

I know I said I would take a hiatus from my blog but I am writing this to remind myself. Because it is so easy to forget. So this is me whispering in my ear: do not forget, do not forget, do not forget… do not forget!

Amen

Haitus

For readers and writer alike, I would like to give all a break from my unceasing ramblings. I am quite rambled-out for the moment and will be busier (as will you, during this festive season) these couple weeks. Firstly, this week is exam week at school coupled with teacher's training but unexpected visitors from overseas. We will also be holding our Christmas concert this Saturday. Please be praying for all of that. And then I will be heading down to Singapore for a week to visit family and spend Christmas. Back to Cambodia on Boxing Day and back to school the day after. Report cards go out and the new term begins.

I might give a few updates or insights meanwhile. Never say never. But this is notice to vacate the edge of your seat and cease with the nail-biting suspense for the next episode of 'Adventures of Me'.

May you have a refreshing and renewing time this Christmas and a rich and meaningful New Year filled with love and life unimaginable.

So this is Christmas...

The teachers just finished our meeting trying to put together a Christmas performance for the kids at our school's Christmas concert on Saturday. All the kids will perform. Some classes will sing. Some will act. Hopefully, all will put on a good show for the parents and the higher ups.

So this is Christmas.

I love Christmas. The music, the food, the fellowship, the family, the meaning behind Christmas. Everything. But this Christmas is slightly different. There is added pressure. The kids. Most of them don't celebrate Christmas at home. Most of my kids are Buddhist. Sharing my experience of Christmas is important. Sharing the fun stuff is significant to them. And sharing the meaning behind Christmas is crucial. Christmas is not about presents. Not about songs and decorations. It's about a time when the world recieved a Saviour.

To do that professionally and with love is hard to a bunch of screaming kids whose first language is not English. And to live out the joy and life that Christmas reminds us of to the teachers and parents is hard. Recently, I've not quite been myself. I have to be serious and professional with the other teachers and I have to be the strict disciplinarian with my kids. At home, the principal is my roommate. She's my friend and companion but, technically, she's also my boss.

So I find myself sitting in school typing away and remembering the times when I didn't care about what people think and was a bit of a rebel. I've mellowed. Not been a rebel for so long. Haven't sang and danced and acted silly in so long. Things like that are frowned upon here... Or maybe, I've forgotten. Forgotten how to be bold. Forgotten how to go against the grain. Not just for the sake of being different but because we all benefit from a bit of change and a bit of challenge. A bit of reminder why we do what we do. Iron sharpens iron. I'm a bit like jello these days.

Or maybe, I am growing older. Watching what I say, what I do. Walking nicely, sitting straight, smiling and nodding at parents, using my 'professional voice' all the time... Is this what growing older is supposed to be like? It's hard to tell if I've taken a step forward or 2 steps back anymore.

Well, this is a detour from the topic of Christmas. But I guess it is also an apt topic. New birth. Great beginnings. God reaching down to grab us out of the miry clay we've been sitting in. My miry clay consists of fear, bitterness, apprehension, disapointment, pride... The list goes on. Everything that I wished I lived up to but never could and never can! But this, what God is offering, is the greatest rescue the world has ever know. A Saviour!

We may grow old but we never quite grow up. Up to where we want to be, where we wish we could be. In moral standards, in professional career, in life and in love... And we never grow tired of needing to be rescued. God knows I need a Saviour. On days like these. Everyday.

Jesus is “‘the stone you builders rejected, which has become the cornerstone.' Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.”

Acts 4:11-12

Merry Christmas one and all!

Lazy Sundays

Right now, I'm sitting on a chair, my feet up and typing as a cool breeze dances around my room on a lazy Sunday afternoon. My roomie's put on some amazing Christmas music. It's Michael Buble now. We have red and green lanterns up on the frame of our door and I have internet in my room for the first time since I've got here. Internets IN my room! And it disconnects only 2 times every half hour and not like 5 times every half hour! And I just had a decadent lunch of bacon, eggs, toast and fruit. BACON.

It is at this moment I feel like this is too much. I am too spoilt. Too blessed and so underserving. For small mercies and life-changing redemption, God is good. Too good.

Miracles

So I did it. Spoke at the university meeting and I thank God that He guided me through it all! So let me tell you what happened – it’s quite a story.

So I get there and the band is still practicing. I’ve never been there that early because I usually come late after work. Thumbs twiddling, I start to pray. Please, God, speak through me and not with my own words. My roommate arrives. I show her what I will speak about. God’s grace. She uses my notes as a fan. We laugh.

Then, it starts to rain. It is both a great blessing and a curse. A blessing on a humid, balmy night. A curse because being in a chapel with a huge tin roof, you cannot hear anything over the clatter of rain beating the roof like a drum. The band plays on as the rain pours down. God, my first time speaking to this bunch of kids and they won’t really even hear me with such noise. God, You provide, with faith I pray. As my time comes closer, the rain lets up. Praise God! He is answering my prayers! He is good.

Minutes before I am called to speak, the power goes off. The sound system is down and we stand in pitch black. Pitch black literally. God, my first time speaking and not only will they not really hear me but they won’t even see me? Very funny, God. But thanks for the reminder to remain humble. Humility, humility, I mumble to myself.

I get up and stare into blackness and a few lights from people’s cell phone. It feels like a candlelight vigil. “Hello, I can’t see you”, I say unsure of how I should begin in the awkward darkness. Just then, the power flickers on. Lights, sound and no rain. Wow, nice one, God!

I begin. I’m sure some of it was lost in translation but I lay everything out. The depths of my heart served on a platter to about 40 Cambodian students. Tried to be honest. The funniest part was when I shared my most intimate secret and the translator didn’t get it. I had to repeat it 4 times! By that time, half the kids were cracked up laughing. But I pray that some of the students got something out of it. I know I was blessed preparing to talk about God’s grace, and experiencing His grace this very night.

Even as I type this moments after the meeting, it is raining outside. But just for an hour, Jesus stopped the rain. And it feels like He did it just for me. That’s a pretty awesome feeling.