A long time ago, a very wise and good friend shared a verse from the bible with me.
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.
1 John 3:16
She blew my mind when she told me that Christ's act of laying down His life did not just epitomize in His death on the cross. But in a painfully, beautifully, aching gesture, every breath of His life was laid down from the time of His birth in a humble and unlikely manger. His birth was not purposed merely for the cross but for every decision and action from conception, death and resurrection. All of which was done in love, through love and that we may also love.
I still don't fully understand what laying down of life means. But I have a feeling it has to do with fearless invitation. To be naked, exposed and hurt and yet stretched out in open invitation to whomever might come our way. Somehow I get a picture of Jesus hung on the cross, broken, bruised, naked and empty yet full of love for us, arms outstretched in open invitation to the sinners, the scorned and to even those who rejected Him even until death. He gave freely because He received from God the Father freely and fully an infinite allotment of inexpressible, abundant love. Perhaps, I am going down the right path. I hope so. But I certainly haven't gotten near the end of this path. It is a long and deep one. But one I am sure will absolutely transform the very core of my being. I wait in faithful anticipation.
Consequently, Jesus invites us to join Him. That's right. Jesus lays down His life in utter humiliation and humility and then turns to us and says: join me! Partake in this great experience called love! As I have loved you, so you should love.And that is what I will build my church upon. Outside of the four walls. I will build it and its foundation will be love. Because I AM love.
Wow, seriously, God? That's a high calling. And what does it mean for people like us, with no home, no past and nowhere to go to?
Recently, God has given me tiny glimpses - small mercies which blossom into immense encouragements. For these, I praise and thank God for. He is eternally good. Eternally gracious. Eternally loving. Whatever hardship, strife and struggle, it does not compare to the greatness of His grace and blessings. I understand that sentence sounds cheesy but it is true. I know now because I have seen.
1. Christmas was a tough time for many reasons. I came back from Singapore more tired then when I left for Singapore - and I left exhausted and with a cold! It was physically tiring but also emotionally and spiritually challenging. And for many weeks after, I had not heard from friends and hardly from family. I felt totally isolated and cut off from the world. In a word: Forgotten. One Sunday, I remember crying out to God, as I was refreshing my email inbox hoping for a surprise email but getting none, saying: God, I am at the end of myself. I cannot take anymore of giving, loving, hoping and expecting and getting nothing back in return.
That very day, two Aussie girls rocked up (getting my Aussie slang on) to church. The strangest but most God-inspired thing. They were travelling through Southeast Asia volunteering in different Christian organizations, orphanages and schools, in their words, "to be a blessing and to bless". So they got a moto to pick them up that Sunday and asked to be brought to a church. And they got brought to Life Bible Presbyterian, also known as my church. They brought a breath of fresh air, with such an energy and passion for God. And they brought stories. Amazing stories of God working through people in YWAM in Thailand, in orphanages at the Thai-Burma border and all across Southeast Asia. Wow. God is real and He is love!
That night, a bunch of us teachers and the girls went for dinner on the beach and God opened up my heart again. For the first time in 4 months, I got asked much-needed serious spiritual questions about my life and was given genuine, honest answers in return. Oh, it was what I soul needed and longed for but could hardly believe that it was answered through 2 Australian girls who I had just met that morning.
As we were sitting at dinner, one of the girls comes up to me and starts planting kisses on my head, she tells me that what she wanted to say all day was that I was beautiful, not just in appearance but in spirit. And that anytime I was in Australia, I could come visit them even after 5 years. Later that night, the other girl comes up and says she has a soft spot for me. Now, I am not tooting my own horn here. I mention this because it caught me so off guard in my meager state of mind and spirit to have such unabashed love lavished upon me.
I guess that is community. The girls came to our school the next day but left after. I don't know when is the next time I see them. But they taught me something about God and about love (I guess they are one and the same thing actually). I may or may not see them again on this earth but I know I love them and they showed love to me while they were here. Ruth and Emma are my community.
2. Soon after Ruth and Emma left, a missions team from Berkley, California, came to stay and do ministry in the schools and town here for a week. They were a fun and solid bunch. And they spoke English also. A great blessing over here! But God provided even more. Somehow, I got closer to 2 girls in the missions team who were still in university. We talked about how we came to know Jesus, how we decided to come to Cambodia, how our families are like, our vision and even about boys and our hearts. In them, I found unmerited favour. I don't know why these 2 girls wanted to sit next to me on the bus to dinner one day and talk to me but they did. The team is gone now and I may or may not see them again on this earth but I know I love them and they showed love to me while they were here. Chloe and Sijii are my community.
3. While the missions team was here, Jessica came for the weekend. Jessica works in a Christian international school in Phnom Penh and I know her from Toronto. Coming from the same place, we experienced the same struggles in finding community, settling in, working as a teacher for grade 1 and 2 students. Our struggles are so similar but so is the God we live for. And it was good to empathize with each other and also remind each other God's love and power. Jessica lives 5 hours away and I only see her every couple months but I know I love her and she has shown me much love and care. She was a friend before in Toronto, and now a dear sister here in Cambodia. Jessica is my community.
4. Meanwhile, I have very slowly but steadily grown closer to the other teachers here. Strangely, it's been harder although I work and do church ministry with them. I see them everyday. But I guess it's been a journey to overcome cultural barriers and even differences in church and Christian culture. Also, I am getting used to the people and places around town. The village kids run up to me in carefree abandon shouting "hello" on my way back from school most days. They recognize me now and I love them. They seem to love me. Something here is blossoming and I have a feeling that leaving this place in August will be very hard. God is growing my heart. And my vision for this place. And for this community. This is my community.
So this is what God has been revealling to me. I still don't know fully what community means. I am still so afraid of opening my heart and getting hurt. I still do not love people in humility and open invitation. And what happens when I leave? And what am I going back to?
