Community

Recently, I have been very grateful for the body of Christ - the community that is here in Sihanoukville. 

Most of the time, it's quite dysfunctional. You see, the organization I am with is Korean and there's a large Korean community here. It's a little hard relate to them firstly because most of them speak minimal English and many of them are older with grown-up children and grandchildren. Then, there are the local Khmers who I find sometimes hard to have deeper conversations with because of cultural and language barriers. And finally, there are the bunch of foreign teachers from all over - America, India, Philippines, Canada and me.With all of that, miscommunication and mixed messages and confusion abounds.

But a couple weeks ago, God really showed me how His love transends race, culture and language. Sarah, my roomie, and I took a couple Filippino teachers out for their birthday lunch. It was nice to hang out with them casually. They were so grateful, it was more of a blessing for us I feel. The day after, just like pay-it-forward, Dan and Renuka - a cool Christian couple who live, work and care for the people here - took us out to lunch! It was such a blessing. That night, we helped out with decorations for the 1st Korean Speech Contest at Life University. And as we head back into our room, an older Korean lady comes in joyfully offering us Korean pancakes for our dinner! What providence. Just so happens I was actually worrying about what to do about dinner. 

Life can be pretty tough here. But sometimes, life can be really cool too. 

Clarity

When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at "the house of the dying" in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked,"And what can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.

"What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles fromw the United States:"Pray that I have clarity."

She said firmly,"No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity, what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God."

We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. When all else is unclear, the heart of trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, "Into Your hands I commit my spirit." (Luke 23:46)

- Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust (2000)

Today it clicked in my head at lunch - faith, trust, and what my roommate said about boys. I have never been so uncertain about my life as an ill-equipped teacher in Cambodia - in work, relationships, financial situation... But I have also never been so assured about my past, present and future.

Shopping

Today, my roomie, Sarah and I went shopping in the market. There are no shopping centers in Sihanoukville, so we shop at Psar Leu a.k.a "Big Market". And then we went for massages.

For most of the developed world, shopping is a weekly or even daily occurrence. Magazines, T.V., advertisements, everything tells you that you need more. Something newer, better and nicer. We all get sucked into wanting more. And you feel temporarily good for a moment before you realize you spent a whole lot of money on something you already have. It's an uneasy feeling - like you've eaten a bit too much and now you're a bit overweight. Maybe you feel like that sometimes. Maybe it's just me.

But back to going shopping. This time, it was quite a delight for a different reason. You see, we don't get to do this often. One, because of money and ,two, because we just don't have a lot of time most weeks/we're too tired to go out and just prefer to sleep. However, this week, after many long, hard days of work, we did it! It's been a couple months. And I realized one thing so, so special. Having half a a day off (we still worked on Saturday morning) "splurging" and being decedent was so much sweeter because it was saved and savoured. And because we are SO BLESSED to be able to do it. I am by no means an endorser of  commercialism and materialism. Nor am I romanticizing my own situation by turning a blind eye to the living situations of many Cambodians around me. Poverty is a constant reminder not only of the suffering in this world but of the many blessings God has given us - by us I mean me and those who get to read this blog in the comfort of our homes where we have internet and perhaps a laptop or another nifty gadget of some sort. Today, going shopping, relaxing and taking an afternoon off was almost like an act of thanksgiving and an act of faith knowing that He will provide my next meal and for all my expenses. Not everyone gets to go shopping. Majority of Cambodians don't  have the luxury of going shopping even to spend $12 on clothes (which I did, by the way, on a jacket and blouse).

Wow, a simple act of shopping - powerful blessing. It reminds me that God not only provides for my needs but for my heart's desires.

Take delight in the LORD,
   and He will give you the desires of your heart. 

Psalm 37:4

Joy

This is what Joy taught me about joy. 

Joy is 24 years old. She is Filipino, teaches our nursery class and has been in Cambodia since she was 20. She was a pastor's daughter. I say was because her father passed away while she was in college - during her orientation ceremony. Her best friend, Monic's, father took over his church. So now, one of 7 children and the oldest unmarried daughter, she is in Cambodia loving God and trusting Him to provide. Much of her salary goes to support her younger sister who is just a 1st year in university. Joy tells me she cannot get married until her sister graduates. That's in 4-5 years.Yet Joy patiently waits, prays and serves faithfully and joyfully everyday here because God has called her to be here.

The other day, I walked into Joy and Monic's room to find Joy crying into her pillow. We've all been there. Joy, in her jokey, still jovial way, told me she misses home and she misses him. She pointed to her phone. I picked it up and saw a picture of an older man in the background. The words on it said: I miss you very much. Love, Papa.

I said I would go out and bring food back and asked if she wanted anything. She said home. I asked Monic how much that would cost. $150. One way? Round-trip. But they couldn't afford $150.

It hit me like a wet fish. I have not known sacrifice and loss like Joy and Monic. Here I am with hundreds of dollars of emergency money lying around. I could earn $150 in 2 days work in Canada. Here I am thinking money is tight for me. Here I am wallowing in my own struggles with emotions, family, money and trivial issues. These ladies have worked so hard and all they want to go is go home after a whole year away. And they cannot afford the $150 flight.

Joy. It's an interesting thing. It is not an emotion. It is not a feeling. It is not fleeting. It is not dependant on circumstance. Joy is. It is a person, a status, unchanging. Joy's name and attitude doesn't change based on circumstance. Joy doesn't call herself Sad because she is feeling sad. Likewise, joy is an attitude of heart. A place of humble gratitude in good times and bad. Joy is unchanging because God is unchanging.

Today Monic and Joy came into our room crying. This time with happiness. They get to go home.

Downpour

It's rainy season here in Cambodia. 9 months ago, I arrived in this fair land in the middle of rainy season. Isn't it interesting, this cycle of life and living?

Rain. Has always exhilarated and enticed me. Back in Singapore, monsoon season was my favourite season. The harder the rain beat down on the roofs and rattled the windows, the harder my heart would thump against my chest. But living here in Sihanoukville, on the side of a lush hill with highlands stretching across on one side and the blue, crystal ocean lining the other side, watching the rain is a whole new experience. 

First, you hear it. A rushing, drumming, chanting type of sound. And then in the distance, you see it. A great white mist in the distance. Because Sihanoukville is largely undeveloped, and I have the great privilege of living at a strategic vantage point, you can see for miles for almost 180 degrees. But back to the great white mist. It creeps slowly as the rumbling grows louder and louder until it dawns upon you. Right in front of your face, you see the downpour but you stand largely untouched aside from light sprays. It gushes, it blows and finally it soaks and drenches everything in its path. And when the rain does its damage and turns our unpaved tracks into slippery slopes of mud and slithery streams, it retreats as seductively as it came.

I asked my Grade 1 class today what type of weather they liked. Most exclaimed rainy weather. I can see that. As I sat on the balcony marvelling the view of the rain, I was also marvelling the Life University soccer team fighting hard in the rain. It was a sight. Guys sliding around in the mud. The referee kicking around in puddles. And not too far away unbeknown to others, just beyond our school walls, only seen from my 5th floor perch, I see a village team in a game of their own. No soccer jerseys, no shoes, no refs, no turf, no rules. Boys against boys against nature.  

2 teams, 2 different worlds, 1 big downpour and a single passion for soccer. A great ad for Adidas.

Psalm 103

East to West by Casting Crowns

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

Mama and Papa

My Mama and Papa are sweet. The other day I was dramatically lamenting to them how it feels kind of lonely here and I don't get emails, letters or packages. Very dramatic. Very selfish of me. 

When I called a few days ago, Mama and Papa said they wanted to send me a package with some treats from home. Talking to them, I teared up. My first package from Mama and Papa. They actually listened to my silly whining. But then they said they went to the Post Office and found out that it was too expensive to send because of the weight and size. Sad face. I got teary again. So bittersweet.

But that will always be the best package I almost got.

Google Guitar

My roommates and I play with Les Paul's Google guitar. I just recorded my little tune. I can hear Sarah in the other room jamming away too. It makes me chuckle.

School

These are some updates about school:

1. New building. I mentioned in passing earlier that the school will have to move to a new building next school year to accommodate the fast-growing student population. There is a building on the premises but it requires major renovations and finishings. We are praying for $10, 000 so we can move the 120 students into a cleaner and safer learning environment. And perhaps this time we will have a playground that isn't a scrap-metal booby trap for kids. Please pray with us.

2. Our last quarter. That means about 7 weeks of teaching left. My Grade 1 class has come a long way from not being able to read at all and spelling 'blue' as 'mtyh' but there is still much more the kids have to learn. Besides academics, my class is also a challenge with behaviour. I have 13 boys and 7 girls. Of those 13 boys, I would say 1 or maybe 2 of them can manage to sit down cross-legged without spinning around, screaming or feeling up the boy next to them. On top of school, I get some of my weaker students to come back in the afternoons for extra tutoring and recently started a reading buddy system with some Grade 2 kids. I also have an extra student who does not attend morning classes but comes for English lessons 3 times a week. And while I love also being the Art teacher for Grades 1-4, it has been quite hectic to put together materials, plan and make activities easy to follow. Personally, it has all been quite overwhelming especially after many months of hard work away from home. But all is not gloom and doom, many of my kids can now read more competently, praise God! Please pray that we/I will be able to finish well and finish strong.

3. Bible Study. I meet up with a few Khmer university students on Sunday mornings to dig deeper into the Bible. It has been a challenge with inconsistant attendance, language barriers and lack of resources. Right now, we are doing a study on John 15 - the vine and the branches. It has been a blessing to me.

4. Health. In the past week 4 teachers have taken ill. That's quite a blow for our staff of 14 teachers. Besides physical health, many teachers including myself have been struggling with mental and emotional strength as the months chug on like a steam-roller. 

Despite the trials and challenges, I love Cambodia. I love Asia. I know this is where God has planned for me to be. It is a country with so much history, culture, stunning geography and beautiful people that is blows my mind daily. Plus, nothing beats riding on the back of a moto and feeling the wind in your hair, gravel in your sandals and having your knees barely scraping past other motorists!

Day 261

261 days. Remember, in the begining when I used to keep track of the days?

To be honest, I feel all 261 of those days. Time does fly. But, man, it's been a rough and turbulent flight. Right now, I feel like I'm running on nothing but God's grace. Every night, I lay my exhausted body down to sleep and every morning God gives me just sufficient strength for the day. By night my pillow is wet with tears but by morning He dries them again and again. 

261 days, 90 more to go.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10