Psalm 103

East to West by Casting Crowns

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

Mama and Papa

My Mama and Papa are sweet. The other day I was dramatically lamenting to them how it feels kind of lonely here and I don't get emails, letters or packages. Very dramatic. Very selfish of me. 

When I called a few days ago, Mama and Papa said they wanted to send me a package with some treats from home. Talking to them, I teared up. My first package from Mama and Papa. They actually listened to my silly whining. But then they said they went to the Post Office and found out that it was too expensive to send because of the weight and size. Sad face. I got teary again. So bittersweet.

But that will always be the best package I almost got.

Google Guitar

My roommates and I play with Les Paul's Google guitar. I just recorded my little tune. I can hear Sarah in the other room jamming away too. It makes me chuckle.

School

These are some updates about school:

1. New building. I mentioned in passing earlier that the school will have to move to a new building next school year to accommodate the fast-growing student population. There is a building on the premises but it requires major renovations and finishings. We are praying for $10, 000 so we can move the 120 students into a cleaner and safer learning environment. And perhaps this time we will have a playground that isn't a scrap-metal booby trap for kids. Please pray with us.

2. Our last quarter. That means about 7 weeks of teaching left. My Grade 1 class has come a long way from not being able to read at all and spelling 'blue' as 'mtyh' but there is still much more the kids have to learn. Besides academics, my class is also a challenge with behaviour. I have 13 boys and 7 girls. Of those 13 boys, I would say 1 or maybe 2 of them can manage to sit down cross-legged without spinning around, screaming or feeling up the boy next to them. On top of school, I get some of my weaker students to come back in the afternoons for extra tutoring and recently started a reading buddy system with some Grade 2 kids. I also have an extra student who does not attend morning classes but comes for English lessons 3 times a week. And while I love also being the Art teacher for Grades 1-4, it has been quite hectic to put together materials, plan and make activities easy to follow. Personally, it has all been quite overwhelming especially after many months of hard work away from home. But all is not gloom and doom, many of my kids can now read more competently, praise God! Please pray that we/I will be able to finish well and finish strong.

3. Bible Study. I meet up with a few Khmer university students on Sunday mornings to dig deeper into the Bible. It has been a challenge with inconsistant attendance, language barriers and lack of resources. Right now, we are doing a study on John 15 - the vine and the branches. It has been a blessing to me.

4. Health. In the past week 4 teachers have taken ill. That's quite a blow for our staff of 14 teachers. Besides physical health, many teachers including myself have been struggling with mental and emotional strength as the months chug on like a steam-roller. 

Despite the trials and challenges, I love Cambodia. I love Asia. I know this is where God has planned for me to be. It is a country with so much history, culture, stunning geography and beautiful people that is blows my mind daily. Plus, nothing beats riding on the back of a moto and feeling the wind in your hair, gravel in your sandals and having your knees barely scraping past other motorists!

Day 261

261 days. Remember, in the begining when I used to keep track of the days?

To be honest, I feel all 261 of those days. Time does fly. But, man, it's been a rough and turbulent flight. Right now, I feel like I'm running on nothing but God's grace. Every night, I lay my exhausted body down to sleep and every morning God gives me just sufficient strength for the day. By night my pillow is wet with tears but by morning He dries them again and again. 

261 days, 90 more to go.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

To Live is Christ

Life

This evening, I found out that my god-brother passed away. He took his life. He was 26. 

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own worries and trials to realize that this life is fleeting. Most days I think things will never change and that at 23 I have my whole life ahead of me. And usually, I think that my friends and family will be around. At least for a few more years. But life is fleeting. Things do change. And sometimes, life on earth ends sooner than we think.

When I heard the news of my god-brother I was shocked. He was young and I never really knew what went through his mind. It was a stern reminder of 2 things: 1) People around us are broken 2) We don't have as much time as we think we do. Consequently, this means 2 things in my life: 1) To set aside differences and love deeply the people in my life 2) Tell people the most valuable thing in this world - true life. 

To put bluntly and simply, if my life or the lives of my friends and family were to end soon, I would not merely tell them that I loved them. I would tell them this: God loves them. God loves you.

Not some strange being in the sky or an electric presence out there. But a personal, living, loving God who created and moulded you to know and have relationship with Him. We've been searching for Him through time, through religions, through making of massive statues and temples. And in today's world, we have been looking for Him through romantic relationships, intimacy, entertainment , thrill-seeking or careers and success. All to fill that void in our lives. Some people call it "meaning" or "purpose" or "calling". Some call it "the one" or "Mr. Right" or "Miss Right". Across time, across cultures and countries, we are all looking for God to fill that void. 

The sad news is that we don't know how to. Religion doesn't get us to God. Living right and doing good doesn't get us to God. Loving God doesn't even get us to God. I don't know if this happens to you but I know that when I try hard to do good, I fail. When I intend to love, I hurt and distance my friends and family. Living in Cambodia, I see corruption, poverty and a history of violence and bloodshed everyday. And try as I may, I cannot change anything. Somedays, I don't even want to. I am selfish. I am sinful. Sin doesn't merely mean doing bad things or thinking bad thoughts. Sin mean missing the mark of perfection. According to the laws of this world, you get what you give. We give hatred, anger, deceit and death - whether with our words or actions. What then should we get? Do we even deserve God coming to our rescue?

Truthfully, no, we don't deserve it. Yet, truthfully, God did it. He did rescue us. He came into history and split time when Jesus was born. Jesus was all man and all God. Jesus is sometimes called the Son of God because He is a part of God Himself. He lived the lives we live, desiring and struggling with what we do. Yet He lived the life we couldn't - He portrayed compassion, love, sacrifice, integrity and humility. He deserved a reward we don't deserve. Instead, He got a death He didn't deserve. All so He could turn the tables and give His reward to us and take our death upon Himself. Grace. We receive a pardon, a reversal of sorts, for our sin.

We still die a natural death in this life. But something else changes. Life. 

God is life. And when the barrier of sin and imperfection is removed by God Himself through Jesus, that life becomes available to us. And it is a life that awakens our spirit on this earth to give and receive love, find joy (not happiness) in all situations and live at peace with great assurance of God's love for us. And it also allows our spirits to live eternally with God beyond this earthly life.

Why doesn't everyone have this life then? Why don't even some people who call themselves "Christian" seem to have this life? Because this life comes as an exchange. Ours for His. Our small, sinful lives for His righteous, satisfying one. Intellectually and whole-heartedly, we must make a decision to lay down our small dreams for His big vision. Yet, the human struggle is that of losing control. We all like to be the boss of our lives. Believe me, it is a daily struggle. But one thing I've learnt in the short years I've been on this earth: God's plan always trumps my own. And He always provides and helps me lay down my life for His. Always.

Now this all may seem outlandish, perhaps too good to be true. Or maybe typical and tripe. But let me ask you this: When your time here is up, what's your next step?