Endings and New Beginnings

So I end right at the beginning. Genesis. The Almighty Origin. God. He is the reason why I started this journey to Cambodia. The journey, really, to experience an intimate relationship with Him. If there's one thing I must proclaim all the more, live in tune with all the more and continue to comprehend more and more is this: 


God loves me. For that matter, God loves YOU. He brought me to Cambodia (this sounds bad but hear me out) not to love or serve or care for people. He brought me to Cambodia so that He could love and serve and care for me. Because as it says in 1 John 4:10 - This is love: not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 


Get this. God is love. Without God, I do not know how to love, I receive no love. And, boy, have I tried! To get love from friends and family, to attain affection and acceptance from peers. For a while, it may feel so good, but often my expectations exceed my attainment. And to love. Oh, to love so hard and so much but run dry and empty. Because I have nothing to give. I have missed the point. God is love. Love that far surpasses human love in both quantity and quality. 


And there is only one way to love. One way to God. Jesus. God Himself who came down to earth. Fully God. Fully man. Fully sacrificial. He bridged the gap between God and man. A gap that came into because of my blinding pride, my seething anger, my malicious envy, my depraved imperfections, my uncontrollable sin. I see it in wars fought, political oppression, drug abuse, sex trafficking, suicide, depression, death. It is obvious we need a Savior. Jesus is that Savior. My sin fully paid for on the cross where He died the death I deserved. Fully forgiven. Fully redeemed. Fully accomplished. So that I may have life. Life to its fullest. 


This was the reason I left everything to go to a country halfway across the world from me. Because everyone should know this love, this truth, this good news. Instead, that great love was taught to me in greater depths. So that I may proclaim it clearer and louder - first to myself and then to the world around me. 


As you well may know, I am no longer in Cambodia even though the adventures continue (trust me, they do!). The great experience of Cambodia has moulded and changed my life. 

It is here I end off. At the beginning of a whole new adventure! 

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Follow my new blog where I attempt to decipher life beyond Cambodia, beyond just the experience...

Genesis

Back to basics. God calls me to just be still and know that He is God. To go back to basics - as a wide-eyed child looking to Him for everything. All things. Not a blind faith but a faith with eyes wide open seeing everything said in scripture, mulling over each word and chewing on each sentence. 

So I start right at the beginning of the bible. Genesis. Greek meaning original or generation. Generation. After generation after generation. That means one story that is related and continues. A theme that is passed down the entire bible by blood. I've read Genesis many times, hear the stories on countless occasions but something about the themes seem so captivating. It's my story. 

Today I continue from where I left off - read about creation, the creation of mankind, each specification planned out and fashioned intentionally by a powerfully intelligent yet furiously compassionate Creator. The place of man and the place of woman in perfect balance, a perfect complement. And then the fall. The infamous telling of the serpent that taunts Eve and then Adam into partaking of the forbidden fruit. Then comes an awakening of consciousness - but not to a delighted enlightenment but an awareness of mankind's humanity, humility and depravity. We, human-kind, are not a pretty sight when we see ourselves beyond the trappings of pretty adornment. Naked. Ugly. 

Dare I say a curse comes upon us? As I read, I don't know if it's a curse anymore. The more I read, the more I realize. It's not a punishment but what seems to be a declaration of our state of helplessness. And cryptically embedded between the sadness and compassion of God's tone therein lies the great hope of redemption. Blink and you'll miss it. 

Eve. Meaning mother of all living. As if he knew, Adam called the woman Eve because one day, life would come through the birth of a child. Life itself. Eve's offspring shall crush the serpent's head, was the serpent's curse. Indeed, what brought mankind death will be overcome by a child born to a woman (not man and woman). Jesus.  Immanuel. God with us. 

After the sorrowful declaration, comes gracious provision. When Adam and Eve noticed they were naked, they put fig leaves together. And I hardly notice this before and thanks to Matthew Henry's great insight I now do: but, now, God supplies the couple with clothes made of fur and skins. God sees the folly of our frail and temporal trappings and provides beyond despite our active rebellion against His wishes. What grace. 

I don't know why but I start crying. Sobbing. Wow. I am not sad at the fall of man. I can't explain it but I'm blown away because I see Jesus (as John Piper says). Right from the beginning, God unfolds His plan - it's beautiful, it's perfect, it's magnificent. And I'm in the thick of it. No other book I've ever laid eyes on is so complex and yet so succinct and intricately connected. 

It's not even chapter 5 and God's amazing grace is bowling me over. This a big clincher: God's grace is amazing not just because of it's magnitude but because of its complex precision in every facet of human history. 

If you've never read the bible, do it. If you're skeptical, test it. I assure you, there's nothing like it. 

To love

"You're not going to give me clarity, are You?" I implore the Almighty. "I have a feeling that You're not going to make this easy and clear, God. You want me to trust".


That He does. He reveals each step as I take a step forward. My spirit draws dreams and pictures of the path He calls me to take. But my eyes see nothing. Nothing but what He has promised me.


"Father God!" this time I cried out in my uncertainty, tears streaming down. "You called me to Asia and put such a burden on my heart for the people, but how can You get me there? Every possibility seems impossible right now. I have no money. And if I leave the country for more than 3 years, I can't come back. How are You going to figure that one out, Lord? People think I'm crazy, Lord!


"But.. but.. my heart still desires You. Desires to leave everything behind to follow You. What can I do now?"

"Now you pray," simply said He. Unwavering yet gentle, as the Almighty is, was and will always be. Unchanging. unflinching. Unfailing. Unending. Eternally faithful. "You pray like never before. You pray for all those people you've seen and heard. Pray for the nations that I have put in your heart. Pray for Asia. Pray for the lost, the lonely, the hungry, the helpless. You pray and I'll do the rest. You're not just loving the people by being there. You're loving them by praying for them over here. Now, do you really love them? Can you love them here?"

So for now I will trust. I will pray. I will love.

I miss Cambodia

How are you?

Since being back, one of the hardest things to get used to is the way people interact with each other in western culture. With so much technology, gadgets, social media and the like, you don't get to see real people anymore.  


Today was one of those days. I woke up with a cold and just didn't feel like facing the world. While some people I've gotten closer to through life's trials and triumphs, some I have helplessly seen draw away. One of the things that really gets to me is when I ask: How are you?


For example:


How are you?
I'm going to the supermarket.


How are you?
It's been getting really cold lately.


How are you?
My apartment smells really bad.


You get the idea. I'm by no means pointing fingers or judging. Well, I am judging. But not discriminating. I am also guilty of it. Guilty of replying instead with what I've been doing when people ask how I am doing. We have lost our identity. We do not know who we are and how we are doing. And we're too afraid to admit it. So we cover it up. 


On my knees this afternoon, angry, hurt and frustrated at myself and people, I found confessing to God:


Father, I am lost. I do not know You and when I do not know You, I do not know me. Because life becomes about trying to become something to someone so that I can feel some sort of affiliation and bearing to something bigger than myself. And in my life that something becomes people I admire and like, covering up insecurities with clothes, showing people how popular and trendy I am with social media, living through other people's lives through T.V... We take on a persona hoping people will see that and like it. And they might. But then people change! Life changes! And then what? Who am I? How am I? 


Lord, You be my identity! You are not a moving target. You are absolute. Father God, be my absolute. My absolute love. My absolute joy. My absolute peace. My unchanging identity in a world that is so shifting and careless. 

How are you?

Blessed because of God's unchanging affection for me. But life is not easy. There are ups and downs. Honestly, the downs can get way down. I do not deny that. I haven't got it all together. Not as smart, pretty and rich as I would like to be. But hey, life is rich because of Him. The world out there is big and the needs are great and I'm excited to be a tiny part of what God is doing. 

Set the World on Fire

We all have dreams. Big dreams of making something of ourselves. Dreams of living a life bigger than this world. Dreams of leaving behind a legacy for others. Dreams to love outrageously. Dreams to be loved outrageously. But then we grow up and see that dreams don't always come true. But I'm reminded that God's dreams are bigger, better, bolder. And His dreams for me can come true. 

Soul Surfer

Just watched a movie called Soul Surfer, about the life and loves of Bethany Hamilton. She was just a teen when in a shark attack she lost her arm while surfing. But against all odds, she becomes a pro surfer and discovers that surfing is not the most important thing in life but Love is. And God is Love. Such a feel-good movie. Highly recommended! And it made me miss the beaches of Cambodia soo much!! And the beach kids :)