Heartbreak

Oh no, by the title this must be another emo blog post. I know, there's been a lot of them lately and I apologise. But I must include this (hopefully last) one to complete the saga.

You see, the funny thing is that when I first came to Cambodia, I told God that He could break my heart if it meant that it would bring me closer to Him. Not Him literally but to use people and circumstances to do so. There's so much detail I'm leaving out but I pray that you can follow along with me. Basically, I prayed a crazy prayer. For a girl, her heart and emotions are the most sacred. Coming here, I gave God permission to invade the deepest, darkest areas of my life. I prayed that prayer knowing that He would answer me but not knowing how or when.

God has answered my prayer.

Well, God IS answering my prayer. The heartbreak is ongoing and so is the work of restoration and healing. Over the past 2 weeks, my heart has never been broken so much by so many people at the same time. I have never felt as rejected. Yet, I have never felt as renewed and at peace as I do now. I know that is exactly where God wants me to be. For the very purpose that I may truly and deeply be assured of His love and forgiveness. 

It is like the past few months I have been stumbling from pit to pit. Each one took me closer to heartbreak. Emerging from the pit was met with the glory of light and rejoicing, while down below the light seemed to shine brighter amongst the shadows. Although pits are never fun, I got accustomed to hiding in the shadows and admiring the piercing light from afar there. But this time, I fell into a pit that was like an ocean of darkness. So deep and so dark that it swallowed me whole. The only way back to the light was to get out of the pit and stay out! I had made the darkness my home and now God was calling me to wake up and shake the shadows from my being once and for all.

I don't know if what I wrote makes sense. But perhaps this might:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18 -19