Lies

When you’re "on the field". It comes to you like a thief in the night. Thoughts. Thoughts on anything about everything. And when there’s silence is when it’s the loudest. The hardest is thoughts on my worth and worthiness to people. After all, why is there silence if people love me and want to keep up with me and talk to me? The questions and aching burn against my chest. They are selfish, self-centred thoughts. But they come and they come in deafening hoards. Deafening though there’s silence.

But deep within me I know the truth. This truth is like a seed. It is small but it can blossom into a mighty and solid, unwavering oak. But the battle is fierce to kill and stifle this seed. The lies come like a torrent of arrows one after another after another. For a while, this little oak may get some breathing space before it gets attacked once again. The offense is relentless. But so is this oak of truth. Because it is planted, guarded and nurtured by God Himself. God is love.

You see, despite all my sins, my mistakes, my selfish intentions, my broken relationships and my carnal craving for attention, the truth is, I am loved by grace. I am loved. I am loved! Love Himself has set His sights on me and named me as the apple of His eye. It is unceasing. It is encompassing. I am loved by my family. Very much so. There is such assurance in that. Thankfully, I have a family that displays the closest human possibility to uncondional love. And I am loved by friends. Honestly, this is hard for me to even write. Because I don’t know this as a fact but I have to have faith. Not in them but in God who loves through them. I receive nothing out of merit but fully by grace. This is special because it means I can never lose it, since, in the first place, I never earned it.

And so in defence, I proclaim this! Lies, hear me out! I am loved. Arrows, turn around! I am redeemed. Thoughts, go back into the darkness! I am a child of God. 

Like a lily among thorns

is my darling among the young women. 

Song of Solomon 2:2