To love

"You're not going to give me clarity, are You?" I implore the Almighty. "I have a feeling that You're not going to make this easy and clear, God. You want me to trust".


That He does. He reveals each step as I take a step forward. My spirit draws dreams and pictures of the path He calls me to take. But my eyes see nothing. Nothing but what He has promised me.


"Father God!" this time I cried out in my uncertainty, tears streaming down. "You called me to Asia and put such a burden on my heart for the people, but how can You get me there? Every possibility seems impossible right now. I have no money. And if I leave the country for more than 3 years, I can't come back. How are You going to figure that one out, Lord? People think I'm crazy, Lord!


"But.. but.. my heart still desires You. Desires to leave everything behind to follow You. What can I do now?"

"Now you pray," simply said He. Unwavering yet gentle, as the Almighty is, was and will always be. Unchanging. unflinching. Unfailing. Unending. Eternally faithful. "You pray like never before. You pray for all those people you've seen and heard. Pray for the nations that I have put in your heart. Pray for Asia. Pray for the lost, the lonely, the hungry, the helpless. You pray and I'll do the rest. You're not just loving the people by being there. You're loving them by praying for them over here. Now, do you really love them? Can you love them here?"

So for now I will trust. I will pray. I will love.

I miss Cambodia

How are you?

Since being back, one of the hardest things to get used to is the way people interact with each other in western culture. With so much technology, gadgets, social media and the like, you don't get to see real people anymore.  


Today was one of those days. I woke up with a cold and just didn't feel like facing the world. While some people I've gotten closer to through life's trials and triumphs, some I have helplessly seen draw away. One of the things that really gets to me is when I ask: How are you?


For example:


How are you?
I'm going to the supermarket.


How are you?
It's been getting really cold lately.


How are you?
My apartment smells really bad.


You get the idea. I'm by no means pointing fingers or judging. Well, I am judging. But not discriminating. I am also guilty of it. Guilty of replying instead with what I've been doing when people ask how I am doing. We have lost our identity. We do not know who we are and how we are doing. And we're too afraid to admit it. So we cover it up. 


On my knees this afternoon, angry, hurt and frustrated at myself and people, I found confessing to God:


Father, I am lost. I do not know You and when I do not know You, I do not know me. Because life becomes about trying to become something to someone so that I can feel some sort of affiliation and bearing to something bigger than myself. And in my life that something becomes people I admire and like, covering up insecurities with clothes, showing people how popular and trendy I am with social media, living through other people's lives through T.V... We take on a persona hoping people will see that and like it. And they might. But then people change! Life changes! And then what? Who am I? How am I? 


Lord, You be my identity! You are not a moving target. You are absolute. Father God, be my absolute. My absolute love. My absolute joy. My absolute peace. My unchanging identity in a world that is so shifting and careless. 

How are you?

Blessed because of God's unchanging affection for me. But life is not easy. There are ups and downs. Honestly, the downs can get way down. I do not deny that. I haven't got it all together. Not as smart, pretty and rich as I would like to be. But hey, life is rich because of Him. The world out there is big and the needs are great and I'm excited to be a tiny part of what God is doing. 

Set the World on Fire

We all have dreams. Big dreams of making something of ourselves. Dreams of living a life bigger than this world. Dreams of leaving behind a legacy for others. Dreams to love outrageously. Dreams to be loved outrageously. But then we grow up and see that dreams don't always come true. But I'm reminded that God's dreams are bigger, better, bolder. And His dreams for me can come true. 

Soul Surfer

Just watched a movie called Soul Surfer, about the life and loves of Bethany Hamilton. She was just a teen when in a shark attack she lost her arm while surfing. But against all odds, she becomes a pro surfer and discovers that surfing is not the most important thing in life but Love is. And God is Love. Such a feel-good movie. Highly recommended! And it made me miss the beaches of Cambodia soo much!! And the beach kids :)

Thanksgiving

You are unchangeable and yet You change all things... You are my God, my Life, my Holy Delight, but is this enough to say of You? Can any man say enough when he speaks of You? Yet woe betide those who are silent about You! For even those gifted with speech cannot find words to describe You.

- The Confessions of St. Augustine

Thank you, God, for family.

Thank you, God, for the beauty of Fall.

Thank you, God, for life that is found in the person of Jesus. Life that is free and exuberant. 

Thank You

A couple days ago, I got an email from a parent of two of my students. I'm not going to lie, it feels really good to be recognized and appreciated! And yes, I do give myself a little pat on the back. But more than that, it reminded me that even though I'm thousands of miles from my kids, even though it was just a year of my life, that God is still working in their lives long after I leave.


Dear Teacher Camille,
Just a note to say that as you will be aware, the children are back to school tomorrow.


They had a good holiday break, and are both looking forward to getting back to all the fun of school life.


I think they will benefit greatly from having had a good guide, (like you)
in their first year in Grade 1.


So, wherever you are; good luck, and be assured that you made a difference to Sarick and Reesa. A difference that will reflect in their life for many years to come.


Thank you
Richard Politz

Thank You, God, for allowing me to dip my little fingers in the giant plan of Yours.

Treasure

A few days ago, I was struggling through some things and kept inquiring of God and my close friends: What should I do? How can I make this better? Who can I turn to?


My dear and wise friend, Hyelee, instead inquired of me: What instead is the best way to glorify GOD? In my stress and haste in settling back into Canada and community, I had forgotten one important ingredient. The most important thing: God.


Not just a man-centered God that is my genie in a bottle, doling out advice and blessings at my request, but a Splendorous Entity that exists with or without us. The words I just read a few minutes before (in John Piper's book, God Is The Gospel) pierce my heart: 


But the Bible teaches that the best and final gift of God's love is the enjoyment of God's beauty... Do you feel more loved because God makes much of you, or because, at the cost of His Son, He enables you to enjoy making much of Him forever? ... We are willing to be God-centered, it seems, as long as God is man-centered.


Today, while reading the Bible, I cam upon one of my favorite verses:

The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

Matthew 13:44 (New International Version)

God delights in me delighting in Him. So I strive to do what I think is right and with actions that I think are noble or that God might be pleased with, forgetting that my greatest delight is simply delighting in Him. Simply Him. To quote a famous line from John Piper (again! I don't know why I have so many JP quotes today): God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. What a relief! God isn't just a solution to my problems. He isn't someone to appease so that I get what I want. But I actually find delight and satisfaction in sitting and resting and looking at Him. Life isn't about seeking out and enjoying the blessings. Life is about enjoying the Blesser. 


This treasure in life that I've been seeking and stressing out about.. I've found it. It isn't in having a 5-year plan. It isn't in relationships and a good community. It isn't even in doing good, going to a Third World country and being like Mother Teresa. All those are good and noble things to have. But the treasure isn't the field. It's the treasure itself. It's God Himself.