Day Ten: Days Like These

There are moments when I walk down the hill of my school in Sihanoukville and kids run up to me and say “hello” and wave when I feel a rush of peace. Or when lightning strikes streak across the night sky silently yet powerfully, like the pulse of God’s heartbeat. Or at 6am when the sun is almost high in the sky and I get to eat breakfast with a vision of bright blue sky meeting the dark ocean crest from my room window. Nothing beats moments like these.

But then there are also days like these. Days where you miss simple things like a couch. Or drawers. Or a regular paycheque. Or church – in English. Or hugs. Days where these little things just take a toll. When you’ve been waiting for your family to contact you and they haven’t. Days where the internet just refuses to work and even if it did you wonder if you should bother checking your email. Only junk mail anyways. Days where you realize it’s been weeks since I had a good, gooood, deep conversation (not about the weather, the bugs or SCHOOL). Days where you stare into space and you wonder if anyone, ANYONE, knows where in the world you are. Days where you feel like a fool missing people, probably more than they miss you. Days where you stop, think and realize you have nothing left to give. Does anyone care? Days where you just lay your head down on the table and the sobs rise up to your throat and tears come but you can’t let it out because you’re roommate’s right beside you. Days where you come before God and have absolutely nothing to say and nothing to offer.

Today is a day like this.

Today is also a day where God’s love is all I have. Today is a day I realized that I am here simply because God loves me. Because God cares! He loves sooo much that He would bring me here to show me His heart. He cares so much for Cambodia that He would bring me here. He cares so much for me that He would provide for my every need in Cambodia. And He definitely loves me so much that He would still use my weakness and unworthiness to bring Him glory.

Before I left, Aban taught me something precious. To live life with your hands unclenched and wide open, where nothing is mine. I am still learning this. In a country with so much need, nothing is mine. But today I also learnt that an open hand is also one that receives willingly, gratefully and abundantly. 

Oh Lord, help me to let go of my pride and control. Let me receive of Your love freely and fully. Because I have nothing and no one left but You. 

p.s. God truly provides. Prayed for dodgy internet to work and it worked! Praise God!