Day Twenty Something: Lost Count

I watched an episode of Friday Night Lights few nights ago. It’s the one where the star quarterback, Jason Street, has been paralysed and is now in the rehab centre for a few weeks now. His annoying but brutally honest roommate comes up to him taunting him about how he’s still in the honeymoon phase where people are still visiting and sending gifts. But after some weeks, a few months, these things dwindle and finally, people forget and move on. But the thing is, you don’t. You can’t. Because you’re still paralysed. Harsh! But true.

After a few weeks here, I feel like I’m at a turning point too. A few weeks of hardly any internet, no phone, no TV, no contact with the outside world and no church was tough. Very tough. New country, new culture, new job, new people, new language. It felt sometimes like I was paralysed (no offense to people with physical disabilities). I’ve had to learn a lot of new things and let go of things that I was used to in a developed country. But I think I’m on my way over the hump. The hump that is made up of floods, the bugs, the power failure every morning and every night, initial adjustment, pressure, confusion…

That also means people start to forget and move on. I forget too… Less emails, no more messages, no wall posts on Facebook. Yesterday, I got to talk to my daddy for 5 minutes. The first voice I’ve heard from home in 4 weeks. I only had 50 cents in my phone so I got cut off after 5 minutes and I just stood there in the dark corridor crying. It’s been so long since I’ve heard a familiar voice. So long since I felt like I was someone’s daughter, someone’s loved one, and be vulnerable and dependant. Often, checking my email is depressing. All junk mail. But then, it also starts to hurt less. I am slowly getting used to it. And one thing precious that I cling to is Jesus. On this side of the world, that’s all I have. That’s all I can hope in. That’s all I can count on. Not always easy to remember but something I can’t afford to forget.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

John 8:36

What does it mean to be forgiven of my sins? To be justified, to be set free? Absolutely free? What is freedom? True freedom? Freedom from my hurts, my shame, my bitterness. Freedom from fear of failure, fear about what people thing, what’s expected from me. To be so intimate with God that you are so sure that He will catch you when you fall that falling holds such a freedom. Oh God, that is deep stuff.