Going to visit Jess is always great but puts ten million thoughts into my head with ideas, inspirations, thoughts and memories. I came back to school having to catch up almost a week of work for being away. Martha, Martha, Martha, call me Martha (if you don’t get it, reference Luke 10:38 – 42, the Holy Bible). So while I intended to spend the rest of Sunday in Sihanoukville alone with Jesus, I did not. And school has been brutal since then. Physically, mentally and spiritually.
My class has 15 boys and 5 girls. 3 times more boys than girls and 3 times the noise, bad behaviour and pranks. As a first time teacher without education, experience or training, teaching and lesson planning is hard. As a first time teacher with 15 boys, and roudy boys at it, is a real challenge. Other teachers have told me that teachers always cry the first year they teach. I came close today.
Morning devotions, my Grade 1 class was the noisiest (even noisier than the Kindergarten kids). The principal called them out on their behaviour. And I’m not going to lie, it hurt my pride but it also kicked me in the gutt. You know what they say: there are no bad students, only bad teachers. And boy do I feel like I’ve failed to love and care for my kids.
Today, Yeongin, who is a missionary kid from Korea was behaving badly again, talking loudly, screaming, singing, and just disrupting class. I told him to stand outside my class if he didn’t want to learn in class. He absolutely refused to get out of class and short of dragging that kid out by force, I let him stand in a corner inside class. But every time he gets punished, it never gets to him. Turn my back and he’s at it again. Behaving badly is one thing but sometime during class, I caught him showing the finger to the other kids in class. Not going to lie, I got mad. Scolded him, told him that it was not a nice thing to do and all he did was grin his cheeky grin at me. Moments later, I see 2 other kids show the finger back to him. After much scolding, I sat down in front of the class and came so close to sobbing right there. So frustrated. So helpless. Not knowing what to do with this 6 year old missionary kid who refuses to listen. And there and then I feel the weight of being responsible for the kids, of the judgement of the other teachers and people dropping hints that I have to manage my class better.
I don’t know how. I cannot. I have not the strength (even just physically to stand there and shout and call on kids and run after them). I’m at my wits end. Do I shout? Do I encourage?
My fists are clenched and my heart is heavy. Not a great start to this all or nothing commitment. Let go and let God, Camille. Let go and let Jesus take control. Open hands, open hands. Where nothing is mine, I hold nothing back and I receive fully from God’s grace.
Therefore, I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
Hosea 2:14
Lord, in the desert you speak. In the nothingness, You allure and captivate me. I am at the point of nothing. Will You be my all?
HI DARLING!
ReplyDeletewow. a month + a day.
your kids sound like little brats...which reminds me of all the kid camps i worked at. it surprises me that younger children can still upset me to a point of shedding tears.
i have no advice of my own to give. none. but, i do know that Jesus is FOR you, His plans FOR you are good. He IS using you as you continue to yield to Him.
i am praying those little snotty kids would just shape up, and that God would supernaturally restrain them.
i love you.
there are things called "teachable moments." after something happens that displeases you, think about why it does, and explain this to the kids as a class. don't give those few boys attention in front of the whole class. call them out on it, but don't scold in front of the class. once you call them out on it, you can explain something like, "we're hoping to learn in a welcoming environment. we want to love and respect one another and this is definitely not showing that. if you are disruptive to a welcoming environment, i will need to talk to you parents."
ReplyDeleteafter class or after you finish your lesson, hold back the few boys. talk to them and make piercing eye contact. tell them that you care for them and want them to grow into men that are respectful and that others will respect. the behaviour shown in class is not acceptable and will lead to many problems in the future. speak from your heart of why it bothers you and why they should care.
love you :)
if only the kids knew english, Tabs :( i called the boy's parents and they couldnt even understand me. but i am learning much about freedom and rest :)
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