Bitterness

As I soaked in this concept of freedom, it was like God was unloading every part of my life that was heavy from the surface to those that were buried deep under my skin. This is the story of my bitterness. The first thing that I had to let go of was the stress of work and ministry. Next was living in a foreign country with all its customs, traditions and nuances. Then, the isolation and separation from loved ones and things familiar. And then a few days ago, it hit the big one. My bitterness and hurt that ran deep. Baggage that I carried with me from years past and from Canada to Cambodia.

Forgive me as I write the depths of my heart on the world wide web. But I pray that as I wear my heart on my sleeve that it might shed light on the depth of God’s healing love and extend an honest example of the depravity of humanity clashing with the radical but absolute love of God.

So back to bitterness. As a child, I feared people. Being vulnerable in front of people was humiliating. So to protect my huge pride, I kept my life private. Just God, my family and me. Protected from scary people, I thought. It helped me as I moved to Australia at 16. When I moved to Toronto the next year. And when I left again for an international exchange program. But when I came back to Toronto the following year, God had broken me. Broken my pride. I had nothing to hide behind and for the first time in my life, I opened my heart up to a community around me. It was exhilarating, exciting and rewarding. Until I graduated.

Disclaimer: I can be a little over-dramatic at times 

My life was to take a massive turn and I was not prepared for it. I was set to go to Art School after graduation but God had other plans. God called me to work. And God called me to Asia. I was faced with one of the biggest decisions of my life on top of the transitions that came with graduating, summer work, volunteering and spending time with my family. It was to be the most challenging summer of my life thus far. And it was a summer I had to face alone. 

You see, the world does not revolve around me. Surprise, surprise. I wasn’t the only one going through difficult decisions and busyness. Friends were caught up with life and so was my family. It was a big summer for my family. My sister was getting married and my brother was having his first baby. My world was changing. And so fast! So while on the outside, I seemed alright, inside, I felt utterly abandoned and hurt. I desperately wanted someone to be there as I looked at job prospects and prepared to leave the life that I had fought so hard for in Toronto. (Life hasn’t been easy in Toronto you see). In my pride, I desperately wanted someone to care that I was leaving and promise to keep in touch and reminisce about the good old times for the last time before my life would change forever. But there was no one.

In the last 2 weeks of summer, I signed a 1 year contract to teach, packed and booked my flight to Cambodia. It was so fast, I packed my hurt and abandonment in my suitcase, carried it halfway around the world and buried it under work, busyness and ministry. But there was no peace. Because deep in my baggage was that hurt which had become a heart of stone.

And a few days ago, as the Holy Spirit was digging through my burdens and baggage, it was like the shovel hit a rock. A rock of emotion and hurt that I had secretly nursed. It was a buried boulder which showed its ugly face every so often when I felt beat down and exhausted from the daily routine of Cambodia. Since then, like an excavation in progress, Jesus has been knocking away chunks of rock and, surprisingly, it’s not that hard and big as I though after all. In my stupidity, I forget just how big God is and how small my issues are in comparison. And now I can breathe again. Each taste of sweet, fresh breeze like a small but life-giving blessing in a desert.

This is freedom. Freedom from hurt, bitterness and fear.