Communion

A week ago, I got sick. Food poisoning? Stomach virus? I don't know. All I know is that I was face forward purging and pooping (sorry for the graphic detail). The Korean missionaries and professors saw me and felt sorry so they hooked me up to an I.V. which they tied to the wall fan. (that's actually quite hilarious and I had a good laugh about it)

So there I was, I was too weak and nauseous to pray or read my bible. Obviously unable to go to school or move 2 feet away from my bed or fan. I had been in bed for a while that morning so I couldn't sleep either. Restless and unwell, all I could do was think. Most of the time hooked up I was slightly delirious but as I started to recover, it hit me. I found myself sobbing in the bathroom one day. In the midst of learning and being encouraged about community, I was also getting more discouraged and frustrated. To be honest, it hurt when people back home didn't keep in touch.

Just sitting there unable to eat, unable to move, unable to do anything or even think straight, I felt utterly abandoned and rejected. And as I felt such bitter emotions, I felt even more frustrated. For some of yous who follow this blog, bitterness has been something I have been struggling with in the past months. I felt rightly so, I had thought, angry at people but also angry at myself for thinking and feeling such things. There is such ugliness in me and I didn't like what I saw and tired of such emotions. 

Last night, I had enough. I finally had a chance to get away with Jesus and sit in the corridor talking, sobbing, listening, receiving from Him. And, oh, did God reveal so much of me and Himself! I told God how I felt. I told Him how I felt people rejected me. Yet how grateful I was at being here. Why me? But at the same time feeling so guilty for feeling bad when God has blessed me so much here. So guilty for not living up to some standard which I thought I had to meet over here. So guilty for not being a good teacher. So guilty for not loving my community enough. So guilty and shameful for so many things I fall short of everyday! So there it was, God showed me the root of my bitterness and unforgiveness. Because I didn't feel and receive forgiveness. I felt so unworthy of love and forgiveness myself, especially being here. It is a high calling being here and I felt self-pressured into a high standard. And I found myself failing at every standard I set. 

I could not forgive because I had not fully received His forgiveness and freedom.

And then God spoke. In the most gentle, beautiful and firm manner He said:

You expect much from yourself and so you expect much from people. But now I am not showing you how weak your friends are but where you are placing your hopes and your trust. It hurts to think that you have made your friends idols and you think you have gotten rid of that by moving here but you haven't. 

I will be your God and no one else. Not because I am an angry or mean God. But because I love you and am a jealous God. And I will stop at nothing to have you, my beloved. I will bring you across the world and romance you until you are mine. You asked, why me? And I say, because I love you. Because you are my daughter and I long for you to be happy and satisfied. I long for you to have deep and rich and splendid communion with me, my child. And when you have that, you will experience true joy and freedom. Because you are special and I have called you by name and I have called you from birth. I planned all of this that you may see my glory and rejoice like never before. And all your burdens will be lifted. Because of that, my child. 

Is that enough of an answer for you, my child?

Yes, Lord. But tell me more lest I forget. Reveal more and then seal it in my heart, Lord.